Today I was going to write a post about imposter syndrome. I even went so far as to vaguely plan the structure. But things don’t always (read: basically never) go to plan, and I’m in such a foul mood today that I thought it would be more honest and potentially helpful to just go with that, tell you all about it, and see if we can both find a way to move forward from all this.
I’m having trouble staying focussed (by which I mean my eyes are blurring out if I don’t maintain the facial expression of a toddler having a temper tantrum) and I just want to curl up and cry for a few hours. My brain feels dizzy and occasionally my reactions to things I’m reading online/conversations I’m having/technology being slightly slow are coming out of my face instead of remaining within the unsafe confines of my brain. And considering I work in a library that’s a pretty unhelpful and moderately unprofessional habit to be falling into. Ah, I’ve just remembered that when I started this paragraph the point was that this post will not be the most well written, but learning to be okay with that is going to be pretty important for me, and maybe me pushing through that will help you push through some stuff too.
Talking to yourself in public is going to be the topic of another upcoming post too, because there is a lot to be said about that. For now though, we’re having a stream of consciousness style ‘I hate myself and everything else but hopefully writing this down while I’m experiencing it will help someone else feel less alone about having these kinds of feelings’ post.
I don’t usually work Sundays or mornings. It is quiet. It is calm. It would be a wonderful environment to get some things done if my brain hadn’t decided to go off on one today, and subsequently effect my body with a similarly foggy uselessness. First thing this morning, having a quick tidy round, I managed to bash the half empty remains of some kind of chocolate-y drink across one of the study pods, in an attempt to simply pick it up and deposit it in the bin two feet away. Instead I appear to have been briefly possessed by a deranged cat and so the ‘picking up and rotating towards the bin’ motion became a ‘squeezy grabby swiping’ motion which meant the top popped off and everything just exploded at the wall. It might have been funny if I was watching a gif of someone else doing it.
I spent the next three hours doing precisely nothing, hoping the chest pains would go away and thinking about tomorrow’s doctor’s appointment and how hopeless everything seems. The best/worst part is that I am used to this now, I know it isn’t real, so I just sit here, sulking, waiting for it to pass. The fact that I am even writing this is miraculous to be perfectly honest, so I’m pretty proud of myself whilst simultaneously detesting everything about me and the world I inhabit. All of my impulses are telling me to just wallow in it because we know it won’t get better today. It might be better tomorrow. What a rollercoaster. What a terribly not fun, dizzying, sickening, rollercoaster, which occasionally comes grinding to a halt, leaving you dangling upside down in mid-air with nowhere to go to get away from your brain telling you how terrible you are. Is this relatable? Is this helpful? I hope it is a bit, somehow.
We need to talk about the bad things, and not just in a ‘but then I did some yoga and ate some raw vegetables and everything was fine you should try it’* kind of way. I am at work right now and I want to yell and scream and cry and just do bad things generally. Because that is something which happens to me sometimes. I grin and bear it, or I sulk and bear it, or I go to the toilet periodically for a bit of a cry, or I freak out completely and have to go home. It’s a sulk and bear it kind of day, so really I should be grateful for that. I mean I definitely won’t be, but I can wryly twitch my eyebrow and sarcastically think ‘oh wow, well done for not being quite as useless as you could be being’ to myself.
There is a chance this post will be getting deleted in a fit of shame in an hour or so, but I will try to not do that. The point of all this heart-on-sleeve nonsense is to help you feel more normal. Is it working?
*YES I AM AWARE THESE CAN BOTH BE HELPFUL THINGS IN ACTUALITY BUT THAT IS NOT THE POINT.